Wishmaster [entries|friends|calendar] gildin [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[13 May 2004|07:36pm] [ mood | full ] Oh my God, I just ate so much rice I fel like I'm going to explode. Why do I have to be such a greedy pig?? Was very yummmy though. I so wonder how things will develop between Maxi and me... I enjoyed being with him so much I can't wait until we see each other again. Hopefully this weekend!!! I bought the Pirates of the Carribean video. I wanted to wait until I get a dvd player, but as I'm so broke that might not be until July and I just couldn't wait that long. maybe I will watch it later. And hopefully I won't explode ^_-!!! post comment

[12 May 2004|01:20pm] [ mood | loved ] Last night was perfect!! Maxi and I got along so well and I really really loved it!! I want to see him again! Now! Soon! Hopefully we will meet this weekend. We went to the movies - Van Hellsing is hilarious. I mean that is really really a hommage to trashy b- movies. Okay, maybe it's supposed to be serious but I can't believe that. We laughed very much and it was the kind of audience that applauds at certain points... and everyone went like 'oh' and 'ah' and that in itself was very funny. After the movie Maxi suggested that we go to a smallish, trashy... well, sorta diner (comes close) near my home. I always wanted to go there but thought I might not like it. But I did. Well, maybe him and me could have gone anywhere, we just had so much to talk about. We said goodbye on the bridge near my appartment and ended up talking for another hour or so on that bridge. *Smile* he likes me!! He thinks me beautiful(me!YAY!)!!! He liked the evening just as much as me! H wants to see me again! *happy dance*!!! AND: he likes LOTR, he does role playing, he does martial arts, he loves mangas, he likes X-men and many bands that I like- so we can talk for hours on end and maybe we could even do martial arts together?? post comment

Nothing much [03 May 2004|07:00pm] [ mood | happy ] I haven't been updating in a while because I am so busy at university and with my singing lessons. And with work. And with the rest of my life ^_-. I'm learning Swedish, Japanese and the old language of Iceland (awkward description, I know) and am preparing for the concert- all at once, so to say. Only 16 more days to go and I have not done much for the concert so far. But this will be a rather improvised event anyways. I can't help being nervous about it though. And strangely enough I guess I have earned more money with singing than acting so far ?! I'm getting 300 euro or something for the concert and three rehearsals. That's fine with me. I need a new part time job though, mine is just too badly paid. I'm going to Backyard Babies' concert in an hour or so and tomorrow I will finally get to see Kill Bill vol. II together with Micha and Silvia. I went to see 'Secret window' on sunday. I love Johnny Depp, I really do!! Hm, what more? I met a really nice guy, who's name is also Max, like the guy I wish wouldn't pursue me anymore. Hopefully we will be going to the cinema next week to watch 'Van Hellsing'!!! post comment

[23 Apr 2004|10:39pm] [ mood | sad ] I'm sorta depressed right now. Work was horrible and I just don't know what to do about Max. I declined every time he wanted to go out with me, I tell him I'm not found of him embracing and tickling me all of the time but to no avail. I hate this so much, but I will have to be a bitch and tell him I am not interested in him, not even as a friend. But gee, that is so cruelin a way. But if he doesn't have the decency to understand? I can't let him touch me in such a flirtive way. I don't let anybody else touch me like that, so why him whom I'm absolutely not interested in??? This has to stop and this might get nasty! Why always me??? I always raise very wrong attention in men. And if I tell them off, they act is if I had been flirting with them and stuff. Maybe I am just too nice to everyone to begin with? So they get the wrong impression? I wonder why also really horrible men get interested in me. Like last summer, when we had the play and I went to have a drink afterwards and was stopped in my tracks by a real giant(okay, compared to me nearly everyone is a giant)of a man who goes like: "Hey, I have seen you on stage, your one fine girl, do you have a lover?" I was just horrified and told him off, but he wouldn't let me pass at first. As if I were especially there to please him. That makes me sad, for I *do* long for a lover. But there is just no right person in sight. post comment

[13 Apr 2004|09:38pm] [ mood | tired ] Yesterday, Kaizer's orchestra had a concert at the Atomic Cafe. I was so happy I got a ticket and could finally see them live! I went there alone, but met Lena from work and her boyfriend. I already thought she would be there. The concert was so great!!!! I had a good time with a friend of Lena, Aglaia (isn't that a great name??). We danced for hours on end, shared drinks, fooled around. It was a wonderful night. We're gonna go to Scissor Sisters on sunday together ^_^! I don't wanna go to the audition really- I'm scared, as always. Sniffle... I met Max at work today. He just doesn't give up!! He asked if he could pick me up after work to go out to a new club/bar (it sounded strange, but interesting). I was really tempted to say yes, but I want to go to bed early. I partied yesterday and have a hangover as it is. I nee to be in a good condition tomorrow!!! In a way, I liked the idea of having a date picking me up after work- I always envy the other girls who have boyfriends. But whom do I want to fool? I am not into Max at all. I don't want to be courted by him. I mean I like to be courted, but I don't see any hope for him to succeed. I think he notices, but just doesn't care. An hour after he had left, my colleague mocked me and said it was so obvious how very interested Max is in me. I just said: 'I guess he is, don't you think?' (that much for what my wits are reduced to if one irritates me) post comment

[08 Apr 2004|04:59pm] [ mood | scared ] [ music | Velvet Goldmine soundtrack ] I liked my two birthday parties. The unexpected first one was even better than the planned one. I have such a horrible hangover and can't get anything done. Which is bad, for I really should do so many things. I have to clear out my entire room, for example. It's such a mess. I couldn't resist using appetite surpressants again. I am obsessed with my weight. I am so small and I think due to that you can see every extra pound. My ex told me yesterday that I was getting more and more beautiful all the time and that he never stopped being in love with me. I had to cry when I heard that. We were both drunk and he was my last guest. He told me to stop crying(which was very sweetly) and I told him that I am so confused and that I feel the same about him, but I fear we won't work out again and that I am afraid of hurting him and myself as well. I suggested we should go out together more often and see how it develops. Maybe??? We have to see how we get along when we are not drunk and can't judge properly. I am very scared about all that. I am generally scared of many things, I have to admit. Whatever, I think first of all I have to get rid of my hang over, go to bed early tonight and perhaps tomorrow everything will be clearer. post comment

[04 Apr 2004|11:26pm] [ mood | good ] We didn't go to the movies because Eva wasn't feeling well. We will go on tuesday and she's gonna cook for me before we leave - we're gonna have dinner at her place. I just had to tell her that I strongly suspect she invites me for dinner because she has not seen me eating anything thus far *lol*. I'm really trying to get my eating habits back to normal, and people just have to accept me the way I am right now. Mostly not eating, but as I said, only mostly. Not always. I told her that she need not worry that I don't eat anything at all and I really love the idea to have her cook for me. I feel really honoured, the last time someone cooked for me apart from my Mom lies far far back. I cooked with others- but someone for me? Hmmm. When I was the only guest? Hmmm, hmmm? Can't really recall. I decided I want a May party this year. I am gonna make that fruit and champagne drink which I don't know what to call in English, but I guess you understand anyway. Lots of little treats to eat and then we could go down to the river with torches maybe.. or we could just party at the river to begin with. I live practically next to it. As for my birthday: I am just going to a bar with some friends. I didn't feel like doing much. A real big party would have been nice, but I couldn't get it organized in time and so I think the May party should make up for it. post comment

[04 Apr 2004|01:46am] [ mood | awake ] I can't sleep and so I'm online a bit more.. mostly to read some slash. That comes as a surprise, ne?? *lol* Oh, there is someone quite drunk on the street, shouting... I went out a bit yesterday with Stefan and today I saw Harry's show in a small theater in the outskirts. We discussed what I am going to sing at our concert in May.... I still can't believe I am really going to sing there, but he told me there was already a foto of me on the flyer. A piccy of me? Uhum? I didn't even give him a one! I guess they used the one from summer. In a way I don't like the idea he printed a photo of me on a flyer without asking my permission. I mean I don't even know which one it is! What if I don't like it? What more, I changed my hair a lot recently and I have new fotos and would have liked it better if he had chosen one of them. Aw, well, it's no use complaining now. Even though I should learn to tell people I don't like them to decide over my head cause then there might be a chance that they would stop doing just that ^_-!! Eva and I are going to see Starsky and Hutch tomorrow. I hope this time we can leave her boyfriend at home and I won't end up stuck in the middle *cough cough* again... post comment

[02 Apr 2004|04:40pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | TV in the background ] OMG, I have such a bad hangover! I went out with Eva whom I met at the university on tuesday, and we got very drunk. She has some problems with her boyfriend and he was going out as well and called her all the time until she asked me if he could come and join us. She was so sorry and I said that I don't mind really and that we can go dancing some other time, if she was so worried about her boyfriend. To tell the truth, I was already getting a bit tired and my shoes were killing me (new, white, innocent looking shoes... perfect!! I love them! But they gave me blisters >-<). What more, we were still in the quarter I live (which is the best of all to go out and have fun and be gay *uhum*)in and so it was not too much of a sacrifice for me not to go clubbing. All went slightly weird after her boyfriend showed up. They insisted on buying me drinks and ´we went into another bar. Eva and I talked about pretty much everything in the short time we have known each other and came across sex of course... she told me she had a girlfriend for half a year. I never had a girlfriend, but I had some experiences with women. I don't know if I am bi or what.. but of course that comment of hers made me curious. She and her boyfriend wanted to dance with me in that bar and I guess the barkeeper had his fun with us. But I felt kinda weird, for he was dancing with me and then I danced with her. Slow and sexily and stuff. Eva always(stangely) told her boyfriend: 'Common, give her a kiss'. And he did. On the cheeks only but still and I felt more and more uncomfy and excited as well and ... very very drunk. So I decided I had to leave, really soon before the three of us and up in bed or something. it was really very stange. She wrote me some smses afterwards that they liked dancing with me and that I left so suddenly. I wrote back that everything was fine, I was just so tired and getting too drunk. This morning I wrote her and asked how they felt (hangover wise) and that I would pay next time we go out... she wrote me back all nicely and i wanna see her again soon, but I hope I got them wrong, I hope I won't have to deal with a couple trying to seduce me.... I think this is very erotic, but I could not handle it. post comment

Weird thoughts [31 Mar 2004|09:36pm] [ mood | sad ] I just had an arguement with my mom. What is the worst, I think she has every right to be angry with me. I am a desaster. I never finish what I start and sometimes it seems every decision I make is wrong. I am simply not fit for living like anyone else. I am a dreamer,I love reading and writing, I love talking to people, get to know them. I am emphatic and I think I am a good friend. I am good at all these things that don't count in the world out there. True, I always get very good marks, be it at school or university... so I guess that is what bugs my mom, that her *intelligent* child can't find the right way. But what is the right way??? Everything I come upon is about competition. But I am not willing to enter in any competition. OMG, I should just stop my babbling here! I can't even think straight right now. I am just sad cause I feel like a mess and like a disappointment to my family. What more, I don't know, really don't know what I should become. Become, become!! I *am* already! I will have to die one day and what counts then is simply if I have been happy with my life or not, isn't it? post comment

[29 Mar 2004|07:28pm] [ mood | weird ] Men high and low Sing hymns to you Your sons and daughters do What you want them to I wanna wear your love like a laurel wreath And the night turns silver when you breathe These lyrics from The Ark remind me of a man I have a crush on. I wonder why him, for he is more than twice as old than me, already has grandchildren and is married *Gildin's head hangs in shame* But still... I never before felt attracted to someone who is so much older than me (okay , let alone elves ^_^). I met him twice recently- once in a cafe and once I was invited to his home, together with an acquaintance. I think he is an excellent host, and he has a wonderful house in the mountains(really!). That is, his family has that wonderful house. He has a small library even , a room that was really cozy, and all in all everything was beautifully illuminated, all rooms had wonderful wooden furniture... I am not such a sucker for this 'nature' style, but it just suits him I think. He always tells me he could be my father, and how very young I am and stuff... and I really would never ever want to interfere in his life, his family, all- but I wished I could 'wear his love like a laurel wreath'. I think I must content myself with his friendship. But whenever he puts his arms around me I wish for so much more and I don't care if he is older than my dad. He has a young mind and heart. He told me he thinks I have a kind and good heart and possessed so much warmth and beauty *smiles with joy*. But wouldn't I be cold hearted if I pursued my feelings? I don't know what to do. post comment

[28 Mar 2004|09:49pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | This 'Nelly the elephant' song ] My noble Lords and Ladies, I have just discovered that 'Bared Identities' Part 18 by bone_fauna is up! And that is a discovery that makes me want to jump around and dance a little but alas, I am already laying in bed and can't be bothered getting up again (lazy me). But I am so looking forward to reading it!!!!! I got an early birthday present from my parents: New bed linen in a beautiful japanese design ^_^. Max called me twice this weekend and I didn't answer my mobile... uhum. not very nice, but I didn't want to talk to him. I will see him at work and that's early enough. What more? Nothing much. My weekend was calmly spent at my parent's place. I saw a wonderful sunset tonight, bright red... hm... and I wonder how people can actually find dominating someone erotic. I am glad some do(cause what would I do without them???) but I don't know how that might feel. I don't think I can ever try and find out, but then again, I don't have to, the world needs subs *lol* post comment

[25 Mar 2004|09:18pm] [ mood | peaceful ] I bought lots of herbal and rooibush tea today. I already tried two of them - delicious ^-^! I also bought some body oil: Iris and Lavender mixture *purrs* !It smells so very sensual. It's meant to be relaxing but I think it's arousing as well. I just wish I had someone to massage it onto. And who would massage me with it and then we would start kissing and all the good stuff! And to think where one could put that oil ... I saw a wonderful dress today. Elfin I'd dare say, with greens, light, fluttering, soft and tasteful- it cost 669 euro though, unfortunately. But how very beautiful! 7 comments|post comment

I hate my cold Part II ^_- [25 Mar 2004|12:10am] [ mood | ACCCK! ] I HATE HATE HATE THIS COLD! I can't breath, I can't sleep, I can't make myself do anything productive! I guess before I start crying now I better try in earnest and catch some sleep. post comment

[24 Mar 2004|11:11am] [ mood | okay ] I wasn't killed at work and not even lectured very much! Cool! I wonder though if it really was my fault I missed these two shifts. Cause I had a look at the plan Ismini made for next week- at which I had a look only last friday and I was really stunned: There were three(!!) shifts I hadn't noticed before. Now, I am really not schizophrenic or dumb or anything. I would have noticed these three shifts if they had been on the plan last friday. So I came to the conclusion that Ismini must fill the blanks on her timetable with my name, and if she forgets to tell me or if I just don't notice she of course puts the blame on me. It can't be any other way. For I really would have seen the three additional shifts for next week. I decided to double check each day when I will have to work next. That way if anything like the last two times happens, I know I am not the one to blame. I'm gonna go to the student's councilor this afternoon and I hope they will give me a good advice how I could continue my messed up studies. The subjects I wanna study are : English Literature (have done that for two years previously), Swedish(would be new) and Theater sciene(did that for three years, missed deadlines... messed up) I hope it won't be too diffícult to go back to university. I will go through all the bureaucratic stuff needed though. post comment

[23 Mar 2004|09:55am] I took this quizz I saw at orchydconstyne and this is really funny, because my last boyfriend was a gemini, the guy I was in love with for the last months (we didn't work out, but that's a long story) was a gem, and I dated one some years ago... So kind of a fitting result. I don't wanna go to work, they will kill me *shudder*! You should be dating a Gemini 21 May - 20 June This mate is inquisitive, entertaining and charming, liberal, broad-minded and youthful. Though Gemini has a tendency to be impatient, gossipy and sometimes irritable, this twin has the ability to expresses his or her pent up emotions during sex! What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To? brought to you by Quizilla post comment

Valar help me! [22 Mar 2004|02:39pm] [ mood | distressed ] I can't believe it! When I came home (I had left my mobile)my boss was on my mailbox saying that I had had to work today and since I didn't show up I should call immediately. That same thing happened a week ago! I never, ever in my whole life was known for missing important appointments. Never!!! I only managed such a thing once before, when I worked part time for an insurance. That was four years ago. But well, of course people at work now regard me as irresponible and chaotic and what not. They didn't throw me out right away as I thought. But I guess if that happens yet again, they will. I can't blame them. I agreed to take work tomorrow for the girl who took my turn today. That means a whole long day of work with me having fever and what not. But what could I do? It was the least I could do to make things up to them, sorta. I felt that was something I had to do for my own dignity. I guess it's because my boss asked me if I could do these two shifts in addition to my others and I agreed. I obviously missed writing them in my filo. But I really am not so chaotic normally?? I wonder what is wrong. And I mean since I only started working in that place I now have quite the reputation *sob*. It's only a part time job as well, but the only source of money for me right now. So losing the job would be really ... not bad, threatening, but uncomfortable and I would be ashamed. I don't know but I am quite ambitious whenit comes to work in general. So I always do my best and so far I have been promoted soon where ever I worked at. But this time, I do act like a mess. I mean I work good, I know that, but not showing up *cough* is kinda inexcusable. If it had been once, but twice? In a row? Nay!!!! Well, it's no use to whine about it all day I guess since I might have a hard time tomorrow. I don't know , but I guess my boss will be lecturing me and give me a bad time. She's quite the type for that, unfortunately. Once again, I guess I should start looking for another part time job as soon as possible. I don't really like the place I work at now and I don't get so much money. I think I will go back to the university next term. I wanna make something out of my future. Everything just goes so wrong nowadays, I need a new direction. post comment

I hate my cold!!! *sniffles* [21 Mar 2004|07:30pm] [ mood | sick ] Oh my, I really know why I go out with guys so seldom. At least with guys who are interested in me in *that* way. It's something different with friends, of course. Yesterday was really freaky. I mean I enjoyed the two places we went to... I had never been to either, one jewish restaurant/bar and the other very close to my appartment, an overly stylish bar. I tried kosher beer (was quite good) and at the other place I drank the best thing I ever drank in my whole life. Really! It was a cocktail based on martini I guess, with lots of other ingredients and I thought if I was an elf, that would be what my drinks would taste like all of the time. It might sound strange, but that stuff was so good it was ...nearly mystical. But that was it about the good things. Max just got on my nerves so badly. I knew he had an interest in esoterics, but never before have I met someone who so overdid it. He was hardly saying a single sentence without reference to all of his magnificent abilities. I mean, he may have some, but why would I want to get to know all of them in one night? (Uhum, and I know of some abilities I especially would not want to be enlightened with at night >--<) to walk me home as my appartment was so close. Luckily he was not insistent. Lots of his friends had been in the bar we last went to and I was greeted (nicely) by each and everyone of them. It still felt wrong to be shown off as his date. I felt more like a hostage *lol*. No seriously, no harm done, but I won't go out with him again. I was really annoyed and I have to say that it actually is hard to get me annoyed. post comment

[20 Mar 2004|04:38pm] [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | 'Jerk it out' Cesar's Palace ] My throat aches and I am getting a cold >-<. I still decided to meet up with Max, cause it will distract me and because I am curious. I feel so immature. Isn't it strange I haven't had a date (for what else would you call it,right?) in such a long time I feel terrified that it will be so awkward. When I am complainig to my friends about never having a lover , let alone a relationship, they use to tell me I that I scare off everyone who attempts to date me and go only for the already lost cases. They say I wouldn't want a relationship in reality. Maybe they are right, to some extent. I had two relationships so far- no, three- so I am not totally averse to the idea ^_- But really, I hope tonight won't be overly awkward. Keep your fingers crossed for me! post comment

[19 Mar 2004|10:14pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | The TV and a really loud party in the appartment under mine ] Work was weird today, I was half of the time gigglish as hell and joking around with everyone, and the other half annoyed cause everyone always is so intend on telling me how to do things right I already do right >- post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]